* I can not get a puppy until after I move, and this makes me sad. Especially since our neighbours have perfect pitbulls, and I want one so very badly.

* I am going to stay in with my mother for a couple months. This is already making me miserable. But I need to save money for the big move.

* I still do not know where I am going to move...

* In April I will definitely be getting one tattoo, and very likely I will be getting two.

* I am nervous. But I need to do this. I need to take my chance to get out of here.

Much has been on my mind lately.
And much has happened in the past 48 hours or so.
But to be honest, I am not ready to get into it.



I sincerely don't know how I can/ will ever be able to move away from Kyle.

I lived through Valentine's Day.
It still hates me.
But I am alive.

Our paychecks are late, which is putting all of us in shit moods.
I like being one of the old guys/girls at shows now.
I am getting a cold.
Kyle and Erin make me happy.






I have come to the conclusion that I am doomed to love the fucked-up.

An oi chick and an emo boy?
That was just a silly idea.



1. Work is better. It's less stressful now that the holidays are over. And I am learning how to make the bosses happy.
2. Speaking of work... it looks like I will be doing my best to transfer around May. It looks like that is what will happen. I am going to check out Oklahoma in March, I think. There is an opening I want there, but I am not sure how soon it will be filled. If I can go there, it would be nice, because I at least have a few friends there. If not, I will have to see where my options lead.
3. When I move, I will pretty much be alone. So I want a big puppy. Our neighbors pitbulls just had puppies. Kalene said I should talk to them about holding on to one for me. Heck, if they would, I might even see about holding on to two. It's just gonna be me, yah know? And it's not like I have nice furniture they can ruin. (If anything, I will have no furniture. Because if I have to drive the move alone, I will be taking: dog(s), record player, tv, and as many clothes and shoes as the trunk can carry.)
4. Moving is expensive, I owe bills, blah blah blah.
5. I talked to Brent. We're trying to be friends. And asked him not to walk by my store with her. (Even if they're not dating.) We'll see.
6. Amanda P. and I were talking about whom we could write 100 reasons as to why we love them. Six months later... I still have 100 reasons. As Erin would say... shit life.
7. Some things are bad. But I am pretty happy. I think I am just excited to try.

There is nothing that hurts me as much as dishonesty.



So how did it get turned around so that I am the one apologizing and feeling guilty???








__________________


Christmas was wonderful.
I feel spoiled.

I hate my job.

Two thoughts which have nothing to do with one another:

1. I realized today, that I am exactly where I never wanted to be in my life. I am more or less a drop-out of a school that I swore I would never attend. I have a job that controls my life and will screw me over in the end. I live in a town that I have hated since I was a little girl.
I am not being depressed about it. I am just coming to terms with it. And trying to figure out what I need to do to fix it and be happy.

2. I put on my docs and fred perry jacket yesterday, and felt more like myself than I have in AGES. If I could find a reliable way to straighten my hair (that wouldn't take two hours every morning), I would say "fuck it" and finally get a chelsea hair cut. Not the full shaved one, because I want to be approachable at work. But the sort of longer, cute-ish one. I am and always will be an Oi! girl in my heart.

He likes things that I have hated for years.
He is the opposite of someone you would picture with me.
But somehow... it is working better than I would have thought.

This is a very awkward happy.





Someone else wants him.
But for right now, he wants me.
I have his hoodie on.
It smells like him.
I am focusing on the present.

Something about me seems to appeal to taken guys.

"I'm not gonna let you do anything you'll regret."
"That's probably for the best."

I have been trying to determine if things are looking up or down.

I have settled on sideways.

My greatest struggle in life seems to be to not destroy myself.



But I think I want to make it through.
And that has to mean something.

I am restless.
I am bitter.
I am lonely.
I am pissed.
I am taken for granted.

So, within the next couple days, I will be writing my father a letter. And I am scared out of my mind. Basically, I have decided that I am taking school into my own hands. I don't want to go to school full time right now. I have tried to tell him and the rest of my family this for about a year now. They just kept telling me to push through. But I just keep fucking it up. I don't care. So it's become a waste of time and money. And I have ruined my gpa, which was once awesome. So I am informing him that from now on, I will take my classes one or two at a time, and I will pay for them.
I will pay for my classes.
When I am done paying off the car repairs, I will pay him back for every class I have taken, no matter what grade I recieved.
And I have signed up for my own health insurance.
We are talking... I am returning his credit card even. I don't feel right having it. This has to wait a few days, because I want to have a check for some of my car repairs enclosed. I can't get him out of my life. But I don't have to owe him anything once this is done. Even if it takes me years, that will be worth it.

I am always disappointing people.

I wish I had more to offer.

So be it.

Every day, I become more like me.

I have spent some time with some great people the last couple days.
For the first time, I feel like I have a few people that I would miss.




So naturally, I have realized that my time here is becoming limited.
Irony follows me around like Mary's lamb.

At the end of the day, I have who I need in my life.
And that's all that really matters to me.

I missed NFG and ISHC in Sauget.
Fuck being sick.

On the plus side, over the last three days, I have watched SEVERAL episodes of:
Bewitched
Degrassi
The O.C.







*I'm not over it.*

I have not been a good Christian lately.


It's difficult trying to find my balance.

There is a line from Breakfast At Tiffany's (the book) that goes something like "Anyways, home is where you feel at home. I'm still looking."

More and more, I wonder if I will ever really feel at home anywhere. Sometimes, I feel at *home* with certain people. This makes me feel wonderful, because I have never let people get that close to me before. But I also hate it... because I am still completely of the opinion that all people I care about will eventually leave me. So it bothers me that I am letting in people that I believe will leave me sooner or later.

I was now going to post a list of people this applies to or something of that nature. But the only people that came up right away to my mind were Ry and Kyle.



Maybe I push people away just as much as I thought I did.
So never mind.


(But I do absolutely love the people in my life right now. I can't even tell if half of them/ you give a shit about me. And I don't care. You have still helped me out the past few months more than you will ever know. So thank you.)

I am now living with my brother and sister-in-law.
I am happy.
I don't give a fuck about the people who think I made a dumb move.
I am broke.
I am still waiting on my brother to decide on a tattoo with me.
I have more to unpack.
I like not having so much shit in my new room.
I live with three awesome cats.
I do nothing but work.
I need a haircut.
I give no fucks.