Lately, I am very annoyed with being the odd man out. Around March/ April, I was super happy because I felt like I finally found friends that included me. But the last month or so, I am starting to feel left out again. Noone calls to say, "Hey, we're hanging out, come join us." Yeah, we're all busy. But I'm also not too ignorant to let this slight go unnoticed.

I'm also hella stressed about work. They keep cutting my hours. And I can't seem to get hired on anywhere else. What the hell? I am a good worker. And my resume is just as good, if not better, than those of most people my age.

I just need to get my green-eyed monster in check.

I will try to say what I need to say. But I am not sure that it will all come out right.

- I am frustrated with my job, as of late. I mean, I like it. But the hours suck. I need more, and the ones I do get, are mostly weekend nights. Plus, I missed Futon Fest. Futon Fucking Fest. Which I have been stoked for since like, March, and I missed it. And I barely sold anything, so I didn't even make good extra money. And I am missing Cornerstone. Like, almost completely, if not totally completely.  I miss my friends. Blah. I have the blahs.

- Amanda P. is back here. Have I told you this? It's kinda nice. She and Mother are almost never home when I am, but it's good to have another presence in the house.

- Homework is taking over my life. Srsly.

- I really, really care about him. So I wish I knew if I should wait things out or not. Amanda Panda told me to be patient. My grandmother told me to date. Go figure. But I think I could really only *fake date*. Like, date, but go with the intention of it not being a repeated experience. It wouldn't really be fair to anyone, otherwise.

- I am in wife-mode, I think. I hate this. It just makes things worse.

- My eye hurts. I don't know if it is infected or what. I do know that it has been so red and painful for the last few days, that I refer to it as my ouchball. And I have lefte early twice this week. Once by thirty minutes, once by ten... but still. And since I dunno yet if I am back on insurance or not... yeah...

- Despite how meh this all sounds, I am actually pretty content.

Whenever I get screwed over...

I want to scream at the person.
I want to tear shit to pieces.
I want to be as pissed off as I deserve to be.

Instead, I just understand.

Every fucking time.

In the past two weeks:

- Lots of work.
- Lots of texts with Alex.
- Several bmx youtubes.
- Saves the Day.
- Modern Life Is War. Twice. 
- Car out of the driveway, but still not working.
- Amanda Panda has been in Michigan.
- Several movies with Kim.
- Swinging, for hours at a time, with a borrowed ipod in my pocket.


Kyle: We are going to get together and talk soon. Okay? I have thoughts to share, and I miss Rat Fink.


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I am looking forward to next monday.
I get a visit. *insert silly cheesy smiley face here*
I am also nervous. Because I am a girl.

Sometimes, I want to tell people to grow up.




I will be loyal to a fault.
But don't try to tell me I am a bad friend.

I had stuff to say about the car/ dad issue. But... it doesn't really matter. It will get sorted out soon enough.

I suppose there is one good thing to come out of this... I got to tell my grandma a little bit about how bad my mother has gotten. I love my mother. I do. But I struggle with depression enough on my own. To be in a depressive, unstable atmosphere on top of it... it's more than I can handle.

I love my friends.
I am happy that I have things worth fighting for again.


I just want it to be okay.




(Katie/Mr. Sturgess fix #2 for this week tonight.)

Dear Dad,

Thanks for proving (yet again) that the dumbest thing I can possibly do is try to count on you for anything. I was hesitant to ask you for help in the first place, given our track record. Now I see that every time I give you another chance, I am just screwing myself over. If I could refuse to see you, with out it hurting my brother and sister I would. The same goes with actually sending you a letter of this nature. But you are selfish and immature, and that is never going to change. 

- Jessica

 Things were finally moving in the right direction for me...
And after this weekend, I feel like everything is right on the edge of either being really awesome or really sucking...
I hate trying to be patient to find out which way it's gonna go.

Scenario 1:
I get the good job tomorrow. My dad pulls through and fixes my car. And I am free to move out with Amanda, and most likely Seth.

Scenario 2: I don't get the job, and have to figure something else out. Dad doesn't show up. Mom tows the car home, makes me pay for it, and then it sits in our driveway and I am stuck with out transportation. Amanda then finds a place with Seth, and I am stuck with out a roommate again.

Suh-wheat.

Trying so hard to be positive. And if not for the fact that I have a depressive nature, and rarely get what I want, that would probably be going a lot better for me...




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On some lighter/nicer notes:
- I discovered with some friends that Mongolian Grill is pretty delicous.
- I am soooo thankful for my big brother.
- I got to spend some reading today. Do you have any idea how much I miss reading, when I do not have time for it?
- I think I know what I am going to do school-wise, which will be revealed later.

 Today was not as exciting as it should have been.
And I pretty much got left at Avanti's with out a good bye.

But now that I think about it, what a dumb reason for me to be hurt... because I know it was unintentional.

I have some amazing friends in my life right now. The kind that I am finally starting to feel like I *belong* with, which is awesome. I like being invited along, and not as just an after-thought. I like feeling wanted.

I will figure out work/ school/ life. I will stop letting myself stress so much. I will learn to let myself be happy. I will get a car, pay it off, then I will save up my money and get all the tattoos that I want. I will get my associates, but I will not promise to get it done in the very near future. I will move out, work my butt off to pay the bills, and not care that this is pissing people off. I will not let my parents destroy my confidence or my will. I will love and support my friends, because they do the same for me.

As far as what I have been up to:
- Work.
- Shows.
- Trips to Oneida.
- Cici's Pizza.
- Work.

Pretty much sums up that.


Now for the big news:
I am moving out. I don't know exactly when, yet. Or any of the details, really. But it looks like this is finally a possibility. It will mean even more work. But I need this. I am ready for a change. I need to do something for myself. I want to let myself do what it takes to make ME happy. So we are giving this a shot.

Most likely, I will be going to Galesburg. (Amanda has an interview in Peoria tomorrow. If she gets that, then it will change this, otherwise it is G-Burg for me.) This information resulted in my father telling me he would not support my decision. Thanks, Pops. It also resulted in a billion stipulations if he helps me, some of which really piss me off. If we stay here, I will have to grin and bear it. But honestly, if I get to move there, then I will probably tell him to piss off, because I would rather be with out his opinions and money.