noscotchtape

to get out of here, and make a life for herself

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 23:41:19 GMT

* I can not get a puppy until after I move, and this makes me sad. Especially since our neighbours have perfect pitbulls, and I want one so very badly.

* I am going to stay in with my mother for a couple months. This is already making me miserable. But I need to save money for the big move.

* I still do not know where I am going to move...

* In April I will definitely be getting one tattoo, and very likely I will be getting two.

* I am nervous. But I need to do this. I need to take my chance to get out of here.

the undertow will grab our heels and won't let go

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 18:55:36 GMT

Much has been on my mind lately.
And much has happened in the past 48 hours or so.
But to be honest, I am not ready to get into it.

I sincerely don't know how I can/ will ever be able to move away from Kyle.

if you could save yourself, you could save us all

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 01:37:14 GMT

I lived through Valentine's Day.
It still hates me.
But I am alive.

Our paychecks are late, which is putting all of us in shit moods.
I like being one of the old guys/girls at shows now.
I am getting a cold.
Kyle and Erin make me happy.

I have come to the conclusion that I am doomed to love the fucked-up.

if you want to play it like a game

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 15:27:54 GMT

An oi chick and an emo boy?
That was just a silly idea.

1. Work is better. It's less stressful now that the holidays are over. And I am learning how to make the bosses happy.
2. Speaking of work... it looks like I will be doing my best to transfer around May. It looks like that is what will happen. I am going to check out Oklahoma in March, I think. There is an opening I want there, but I am not sure how soon it will be filled. If I can go there, it would be nice, because I at least have a few friends there. If not, I will have to see where my options lead.
3. When I move, I will pretty much be alone. So I want a big puppy. Our neighbors pitbulls just had puppies. Kalene said I should talk to them about holding on to one for me. Heck, if they would, I might even see about holding on to two. It's just gonna be me, yah know? And it's not like I have nice furniture they can ruin. (If anything, I will have no furniture. Because if I have to drive the move alone, I will be taking: dog(s), record player, tv, and as many clothes and shoes as the trunk can carry.)
4. Moving is expensive, I owe bills, blah blah blah.
5. I talked to Brent. We're trying to be friends. And asked him not to walk by my store with her. (Even if they're not dating.) We'll see.
6. Amanda P. and I were talking about whom we could write 100 reasons as to why we love them. Six months later... I still have 100 reasons. As Erin would say... shit life.
7. Some things are bad. But I am pretty happy. I think I am just excited to try.

not about what you said but what you did

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 17:25:48 GMT

There is nothing that hurts me as much as dishonesty.

So how did it get turned around so that I am the one apologizing and feeling guilty???

__________________

Christmas was wonderful.
I feel spoiled.

I hate my job.

put your braces together, and your boots on your feet

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 07:28:46 GMT

Two thoughts which have nothing to do with one another:

1. I realized today, that I am exactly where I never wanted to be in my life. I am more or less a drop-out of a school that I swore I would never attend. I have a job that controls my life and will screw me over in the end. I live in a town that I have hated since I was a little girl.
I am not being depressed about it. I am just coming to terms with it. And trying to figure out what I need to do to fix it and be happy.

2. I put on my docs and fred perry jacket yesterday, and felt more like myself than I have in AGES. If I could find a reliable way to straighten my hair (that wouldn't take two hours every morning), I would say "fuck it" and finally get a chelsea hair cut. Not the full shaved one, because I want to be approachable at work. But the sort of longer, cute-ish one. I am and always will be an Oi! girl in my heart.

if you don't get sick of me

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 16:52:27 GMT

He likes things that I have hated for years.
He is the opposite of someone you would picture with me.
But somehow... it is working better than I would have thought.

This is a very awkward happy.

Someone else wants him.
But for right now, he wants me.
I have his hoodie on.
It smells like him.
I am focusing on the present.

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 18:00:20 GMT

I am too nice.

I won't dance, how could I?

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 06:24:03 GMT

Something about me seems to appeal to taken guys.

"I'm not gonna let you do anything you'll regret."
"That's probably for the best."

if this is love then I don't want a part of it

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 05:21:45 GMT

I have been trying to determine if things are looking up or down.

I have settled on sideways.

to live fast and die young

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 07:11:55 GMT

My greatest struggle in life seems to be to not destroy myself.

But I think I want to make it through.
And that has to mean something.

guys like us they get no chance

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 04:52:34 GMT

I am restless.
I am bitter.
I am lonely.
I am pissed.
I am taken for granted.

don't ever put your faith in me, I'll only let you down

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 02:29:12 GMT

So, within the next couple days, I will be writing my father a letter. And I am scared out of my mind. Basically, I have decided that I am taking school into my own hands. I don't want to go to school full time right now. I have tried to tell him and the rest of my family this for about a year now. They just kept telling me to push through. But I just keep fucking it up. I don't care. So it's become a waste of time and money. And I have ruined my gpa, which was once awesome. So I am informing him that from now on, I will take my classes one or two at a time, and I will pay for them.
I will pay for my classes.
When I am done paying off the car repairs, I will pay him back for every class I have taken, no matter what grade I recieved.
And I have signed up for my own health insurance.
We are talking... I am returning his credit card even. I don't feel right having it. This has to wait a few days, because I want to have a check for some of my car repairs enclosed. I can't get him out of my life. But I don't have to owe him anything once this is done. Even if it takes me years, that will be worth it.

I am always disappointing people.

I wish I had more to offer.

So be it.

You want to know who I really am? Well so do I.

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 06:13:05 GMT

Every day, I become more like me.

lean on sheena

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 03:42:20 GMT

I have spent some time with some great people the last couple days.
For the first time, I feel like I have a few people that I would miss.

So naturally, I have realized that my time here is becoming limited.
Irony follows me around like Mary's lamb.

and all the time I gave, I dug myself a deeper grave

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 17:54:59 GMT

At the end of the day, I have who I need in my life.
And that's all that really matters to me.

if it were up to me

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 05:20:09 GMT

I missed NFG and ISHC in Sauget.
Fuck being sick.

On the plus side, over the last three days, I have watched SEVERAL episodes of:
Bewitched
Degrassi
The O.C.

*I'm not over it.*

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 07:40:06 GMT

I have not been a good Christian lately.

It's difficult trying to find my balance.

so should I stay or fly away

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 07:22:16 GMT

There is a line from Breakfast At Tiffany's (the book) that goes something like "Anyways, home is where you feel at home. I'm still looking."

More and more, I wonder if I will ever really feel at home anywhere. Sometimes, I feel at *home* with certain people. This makes me feel wonderful, because I have never let people get that close to me before. But I also hate it... because I am still completely of the opinion that all people I care about will eventually leave me. So it bothers me that I am letting in people that I believe will leave me sooner or later.

I was now going to post a list of people this applies to or something of that nature. But the only people that came up right away to my mind were Ry and Kyle.

Maybe I push people away just as much as I thought I did.
So never mind.

(But I do absolutely love the people in my life right now. I can't even tell if half of them/ you give a shit about me. And I don't care. You have still helped me out the past few months more than you will ever know. So thank you.)

skipping like a broken record

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 19:53:06 GMT

I am now living with my brother and sister-in-law.
I am happy.
I don't give a fuck about the people who think I made a dumb move.
I am broke.
I am still waiting on my brother to decide on a tattoo with me.
I have more to unpack.
I like not having so much shit in my new room.
I live with three awesome cats.
I do nothing but work.
I need a haircut.
I give no fucks.

Let's decide not to care anymore.

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 02:41:56 GMT

+ Batman at midnight... So worth it.

+ 2*Sweet/ Fireworks/ This Time Next Year show was last night. Very good time. Not to mentions some awesome covers.

- It really sucks realizing that the person you had a huge thing for, now cares about someone else. Especially when you find out by accidentally getting a text that was not meant to be sent to you. Yeah...

- Once again... many of my closest friends will be gone for my birthday. Seriously, what is the fucking point of having a birthday if every year my friends miss it? I could not be less excited for my 21st birthday.

+ Watching The Godfather movies and Goodfellas makes lots of things better.

+ I think my friend Brad and I are gonna watch Newsies later this week.

you took what you needed and disappeared again

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 17:27:33 GMT

Lately, I am very annoyed with being the odd man out. Around March/ April, I was super happy because I felt like I finally found friends that included me. But the last month or so, I am starting to feel left out again. Noone calls to say, "Hey, we're hanging out, come join us." Yeah, we're all busy. But I'm also not too ignorant to let this slight go unnoticed.

I'm also hella stressed about work. They keep cutting my hours. And I can't seem to get hired on anywhere else. What the hell? I am a good worker. And my resume is just as good, if not better, than those of most people my age.

I just need to get my green-eyed monster in check.

Have I waited too long to see you?

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 03:44:07 GMT

Hello LJ World!

It's been a couple weeks. Stuff has happened. A visit to TeeJay in Sterling with Kyle. (We had a great time. Walked all around Sterling. Met a couple new people. And it put me in a great mood.) Brake problems. School/ work/ the normal stuff. But the biggest problem currently, is that my computer is dead. So my lj posts will probably be in the minor for a while. I got interntet on my phone now. But it's just a little chocolate so it's not the most efficient thing ever. Ah well. At least I can check the old myspace on my work breaks.

My move in with Jon and Kalene is being postponed til September. Partially because of the computer. Partially to give Amanda some time to get back on her feet. Partially so I can save a little more money. At any rate, I am hella stoked for it.

I'm still searching for a second job. I applied at Express, and got an interview, but no-go. I'm worried that my hours at Walgreens is gonna be a problem, because I work so many weekends there. Whatever. Hopefully a good job will make itself available soon.

Let's see... OH! I got the guts to tell my brother and dad that I will NOT be drinking on my 21st birthday. They basically dismissed it and are continuing to plan my birthday in a way that they can get completely shnockered. Ah well. They'll figure out soon enough that I am serious.

I'll do what it takes

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 04:51:27 GMT

- Tuesday night I snuck Ian out, and we went to a party at his girly's house. Mostly, we would just look at what everyone else was saying/doing, then look at each other and laugh. I'm glad that we understand each other's thoughts at times like those. As far as his chick... Well, he is a good friend of mine and I am picky... so I am reserving judgement til I meet her again and maybe talk to her a bit.

- Wednesday I decided to go hang out with Kyle in Oneida. Driving around to Strife + Ice Cream + Thrift Shops + Ghost Hunters + Awesome Conversation + Get Smart. Then an old friend of his came over, and I chilled with them on the porch while they played guitars. I didn't leave til like, 3 a.m. It was actually a pretty perfect day. It's funny to me that when I really need to get out... that is the first place I want to go, anymore. I just feel... right there.

- Last night Kim and I had Flat Top. And we picked up her Dustin and travelled to Walmart, where I gave in to my temptation to buy Ong-Bak. Oh, and I turned Kim on to Hit The Lights!

- Work this weekend.

- Something feels off. I don't know how else to explain this one.

- I am really serious about this no drinking, etc. thing. Like, the more I think about it... the more it seems like the right decision. So I guess it's time to have that talk with Dad, "Sorry, Pops, I will not be getting shit-faced for my 21st birthday..."

- One day, I really want to see more of this country. I think I am making it my goal. Like... if I stay above a 3.0 gpa while I am finishing up at ICC/ working ALL the time over the next couple years... then the summer after I finish, I will do a major road trip across the country.

If memory serves, I'm addicted to words, and they're useless

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 06:45:33 GMT

First of all, I must direct you to some newer myspace blogs of mine, as one of them really says a lot about what is on my mind. (I can't ever get links to work, so you will just have to copy/paste.)

The random blog: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=14884576&blogID=407843240&Mytoken=93C864C5-2B61-4A4A-96A1CBBDA13D086647741453

The semi-sarcastic blog: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=14884576&blogID=407844460&Mytoken=93C864C5-2B61-4A4A-96A1CBBDA13D086647741453

The on-my-mind blog: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=14884576&blogID=407844460&Mytoken=93C864C5-2B61-4A4A-96A1CBBDA13D086647741453

If you have any thoughts on the third one, especially, I would appreciate them. Although, honestly? I am starting to feel pretty strongly about it. Whatever. More to come on that.
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- One day, I will find another boy I want to care about so much again. And then I think everything will be okay. For now, I am getting better.

- I love my friends. I appreciate having Amanda around the house. I think we're gonna go visit Kyle this week. If we don't, I will go up on my own, I think. It's good to have people who care about me and want good things for me.

- I am out of second chances for my dad. Maybe that makes me a terrible person. Hopefully, when I am even older, I will be able to give it a billionth chance. But for now... for now I need to take care of me. I need to learn to be happy. I want to have a level of confidence and peace that just can not be there unless I keep my communication with him at a minimal amount.

- I am okay.

noscotchtape

*to get out of here, and make a life for herself*

*the undertow will grab our heels and won't let go*

*if you could save yourself, you could save us all*

*if you want to play it like a game*

*not about what you said but what you did*

*put your braces together, and your boots on your feet*

*if you don't get sick of me*

*I won't dance, how could I?*

*if this is love then I don't want a part of it*

*to live fast and die young*

*guys like us they get no chance*

*don't ever put your faith in me, I'll only let you down*

*You want to know who I really am? Well so do I.*

*lean on sheena*

*and all the time I gave, I dug myself a deeper grave*

*if it were up to me*

*so should I stay or fly away*

*skipping like a broken record*

*Let's decide not to care anymore.*

*you took what you needed and disappeared again*